Be a Game Show-style Contestant (Day 3)

People like to consider what superhero power they’d wish to have. Maybe it’d be to fly, or to own amazing vision, or to have unbelievable strength. Actually, what can any superhero do that Superman can’t? Got an answer, Robin, hero of the passenger seat? 

But too few people ask more realistic questions: What super-idiot powers do I already possess? And why do I keep showing them off?

Almost all of mine were on display as I continued to prepare for Thursday’s supermarket race.

I have the ability to fly by roads I’m looking for and get lost while driving, which is why I drove up and down N. Claiborne Ave. for 35 minutes last night while thinking I was on N. Carrolton as I searched for the Winn-Dixie.

I’d have asked for directions, but a blocks-long cemetery was on my right and it took me that long to realize a graveyard wasn’t a good grocery-store neighbor. Super-idiot powers of deduction.

When I was a kid, my mom regularly got us lost driving, one time because she saw a sign that read: “Exit | 25 miles per hour” and she got off because we were looking for Exit 25, which wasn’t anywhere nearby. So, I clearly inherited that power.

I have the amazing ability to irk friends at work. When someone sent an e-mail yesterday asking, “Anyone got a droid?” because her Android phone wasn’t working, I replied, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

And my other great super-idiot power is my inability to read what’s right in front of me. That’s a wonderful trait for an editor. But the problem never rears its Medusa head during work hours.

It’s only when I’m trying (ever so rarely) to build something, or apparently when I receive e-mails. But keep those fan e-mails coming!

Even if there are just three steps to an instruction manual, I always require four, with the last being: “Get Linda, Caitlin or Daniel, you have no idea what you’re doing.” Even manufacturers know my super idiocy.

If I’d comprehended the e-mail from the supermarket race sponsors I received days ago—before re-reading it today—I’d know that the race is not about grabbing 43 Mr. Coffees just so you jack up your total bill.

The e-mail clearly says, “You have a list of items and you make a dash through the store to get as much as you can. The trick is that you want to have the highest dollar amount in groceries…. [You] will have four minutes to collect as many heart-healthy items as possible.”

Fortunately, I discovered my mistake before hitting the store, so I spent extra time in the vegetable aisle last night. You want pomegranates? Done. Red peppers, green peppers, yellow peppers, blue fish. Or something. Done!

I was there long enough to see the vegetables get two misty showers. But it was tastefully done.

My thought after spending so much time with vegetables? Calgon, take me away! And I know Calgon is in aisle 7.