Be a Game Show-style Contestant (Day 2)

I’ve never been more excited by someone describing an event I’m entering than when I spoke to Terri Kaupp, who works with Second Harvest Food Bank.

Her company is teaming with Peoples Health and Winn-Dixie to sponsor the “Supermarket Sweep”-esque challenge I’ll enter Thursday with my NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune teammate David Lee Simmons.

“[Contestants] are all over the aisles,” she said. “It’s pure chaos!”

So I could be Mr. Chaos in a Winn-Dixie and get to hear the following announcement when we win: “‘Roach Running Wild’ takes over Winn-Dixie!”

I hope David Lee likes our team name, “Roach Running Wild.” And the Burger King crowns and togas we’ll be wearing, as well as the plastic swords we’ll be wielding as we pillage the aisles. Who wouldn’t be okay with that?

A surprising bonus to the contest is that unsuspecting shoppers will be doing their normal Thursday shopping while we run rampant. “Clear out, people, those Foster Grants are mine!”

Actually, I know better than to grab sunglasses since they’re just $10.99. I’m stalking big-ticket items.

How do I know? Because I stalked Winn-Dixie.

It wasn’t the race-day store, but my wife Linda, who was a marketing retail sales guru previously, said they would all be designed similarly. Tomorrow I’ll check out the real thing, but today was a preliminary reconnaissance at a local one.

Linda also told me that taking pictures in grocery stores was “frowned upon,” so I felt the eyebrows of Winn-Dixie upon me as I took a quick photo of some high-priced, easy-to-grab Gillette Fusion razors. Small, lightweight, expensive, and plastic-sword stab-worthy.

Terri said whoever collects items amounting to the most money wins, but after today, I figure some products will be off-limits. Otherwise, we’d all grab piles of coffee makers for $99.99 and popcorn makers for $69.98.

My new friends are also multi-purpose fryers, high-priced shampoo, clothing, and top-of-the-line steak. And the gift cards are practically jumping into my cart.

What’s disorienting for a somewhat shopper is that all of my favorite aisles are irrelevant in this game.

The chips aisle? Worthless. Soda? Bulky and cheap. Cookies, ice cream and olives? Why bother?

I don’t want to think too hard about how those descriptions reflect my dietary intake: Worthless, bulky and cheap, why bother?

 Or are they describing me? I don’t like this game anymore.

But I’m gonna keep the Burger King crown.