Day 1
Think of Elmo. ("Elmo likes to play. Hee, hee hee.") Think of Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson. ("Rickey's the best.") Think of Bo Jackson ("Bo knows baseball.") Now think how annoying John will be to others after a week of referring to himself only in the third person.
John can hardly wait.
My friend Phil gets credit for coming up with the idea during a brainstorming session a week ago. John loved the idea but quickly saw a huge dilemma: "I'm really going to have to think before I say anything," I said.
"Yeah, I know that's going to be a big problem for you," Phil observed dryly.
Actually, John has been looking forward to this week ever since. Not so for John's wife Linda, who responded to John's morning greeting with, "Oh no, is that starting today?"
John's good start aside, John has not done well in Day 1, though Linda has tried to help. On occasion, she spoke in third person too, as a gentle reminder--or as evil payback. John's not sure which at this point.
John's biggest problem: John can't get used to not saying "I." John apparently says it alot. Geez, does that mean John has a bigger ego than Rickey Henderson?
However, there is one unexpected perk: John is suddenly the star of lots of songs he sings in the car since the "I"-word can't be used. John noticed this first while singing along to Bob Seger's "Turn the Page": "Here John is/On the road again./There John is/Up on the stage./Here John goes/Playing the star again./Here John goes./Here John goes...."
Here John goes indeed.
Day 2
Needed to take a couple new approaches on Day 2. Trying to talk in sentences without subjects. Also speaking in clipped sentences. John sounds like caveman while trying to avoid the "I"-word. Good for John, bad for everyone else.
John's also working on talking to himself in third person more often so it comes naturally when talking to others. Little worried that someone speaking in the third-person to myself may make the village idiot. Or is John already?
A "kindly" neighbor jokingly suggested John deposit money into a coin jar each time John says the "I"-word. The neighbor mentioned it within earshot of Linda, who plans to start the coin jar tomorrow. She expects it to result in a nice pile of change, good for maybe a dinner out, or possibly a two-week vacation to Maui. Well, at least that's one less neighbor to invite to future neighborhood parties.
Went to meet Daniel's teacher and see his first-grade classroom before school starts tomorrow. Good thing John didn't know many of the other parents, so not talking didn't seem anti-social. However, it was painful seeing the two parents John knew from Daniel's class last year. Hard to listen to someone while voice in head is screaming, "Don't say I. Don't say I!!!!"
Oh, John could have explained what John was doing. John's absolutely sure they'd have understood, because referring to yourself in third person is what all normal adults do during the course of a regular week.
Day 3
It's the first day of school, so Caitlin and Daniel aren't around, Linda's working, the house is quiet, and John's talking to himself like he's Rain Man. John's an excellent driver. Excellent driver. Ten minutes to Wapner. Five minutes to Wapner.
Actually, John's more like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away," but instead of talking to Wilson the volleyball, John's talking to George in the money jar. I'm penalizing myself a dollar for each "I"-word and there's a growing collection of Georges in the jar--dollar bills and quarters.
But John's getting better at keeping more Georges from the jar. Of course, when no one's around, it's easy to say John didn't say the "I"-word.
But John's playing this game the way John plays golf: poorly but fairly. That's why in the jar there are more Georges than at a Foreman family reunion. But that's it, Georges in the jar. I'm Washing-done! Did you hear what I said, old man?
Just added two more. And realized John talks trash worse than the Pope.
John has got to get out the house and start the hunt for his sanity. Man, John's going to be one scary old dude when John retires and has too much time on his hands. George just nodded in agreement.
Days 4 & 5
Learned a good lesson from a trip to get a haircut: For the rest of the week, John needs to talk like he's in a barber shop. Slooooowly. Let the pauses in conversations drag out longer than a Pavarotti note. No rush to talk means no Georges in the jar.
The only problem with the plan: phone calls. Wait more than an instant and people on the other end think you've been sucked into a black hole. "Hello? Did I lose you?"
John figured out a way around the silence. "Did you just grunt?" Yes, yes I did. John discovered grunts, "Hmm-mmms" and "Oooohhh" are great ways to break the phone silence without breaking the bank.
That's something Phil noticed soon after calling to taunt John. (The call cost $4 in "I-word' fines and Phil and John agreed that it's a good thing our monthly poker game wasn't this week or John's mistakes would foot the bill for a week in Vegas.)
"I can hear how hard it is for you to figure out what to say," Phil said.
"Mmm-hmmm," John mmm-hmmmed.
The caveman dialogue wouldn't work with one call John had to make. A contact for a potential job e-mailed that John should call him to talk about opportunities. John considered temporarily giving up his week's mission, until he remembered a snippet of a John Belushi's motivational speech in Animal House: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
No! Holding the receiver, John dialed. It rang. And rang and rang and rang. John caught a break--he could leave a message and not have to trip himself up with a conversation! Never been so happy not to talk to someone John really needed to talk to.
Day 6
With another member of the Speech Police (Caitlin) hanging on my every word Saturday, the George Jar runneth over. So this is what it takes to get kids to listen to you?
Caitlin figured the cash in the George Jar would be her inheritance at week's end. She caught every mistake--eagerly--and, like Linda earlier in the week, even tried to trap me. As for Linda, the Speech Police Commissioner, today she learned the truth of Mark Twain's words: "Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."
The two of us were having a minor disagreement when John replied, "John knows that. John's not an idiot." John laughed at how his own words failed to support his point.
Later, John was getting ready to read a book to Daniel at bedtime when he discovered the overwhelming vanity of Little Critter. Readers with kids, especially boys, may know Little Critter as Mercer Mayer's furry creation, a happy little creature with friends like Gator, Tiger, and Bun Bun.
But John's challenge this week allowed John to see Little Critter for what he really is--an out-of-control egomaniac. John counted 29 "I-words" in a 15-page book. Even Trump doesn't refer to himself that often.
John let Daniel read the story and John went to bed with a little more than 24 hours left until John will be able to talk normally. And people can go back to not listening to John.
Day 7
Sundays provide the ultimate ego buzzkill. There's no "I" in "church" or anyone of the words one uses in church. John would guess amens and alleluias combined outnumber the "I-word" 20 to 1, so that made for an easy hour.
John mowed the lawn and did other yardwork in the afternoon, but he can't say what Apple-created music-listening device he wore while doing it. Let's just say it wasn't the Amen-pod.
The rest of the day was largely "I-word"-free as Linda and John prepped for a Labor Day party, and the George Jar, sitting on the kitchen table, flirted shamelessly with John throughout the day. Sad, desperate little thing. The jar, not John.
That's why it's easy for John to end the relationship with the George Jar. With an additional four dollars added to it today, the George Jar finished with a grand total of $49. Not enough for a Hawaiian getaway, but enough to offset the Labor Day luau.
And it also gives John the chance to imitate Donald Trump, America's reigning "I" guy. To all of the members of John's personal Speech Police, John says, "You're fired!"
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