Eat My Food With Chopsticks

Here's an oldie from 2 years ago, while I spend today playing Tag with unsuspecting people. My goal: to tag at least 200 people. Whether they like it or not...

Day 1

I don't experiment often when it comes to food. I believe I set the St. Anastasia's grade school record with 723 straight days of peanut butter and jelly for lunch.

No surprise, I'm not a fan of Chinese or Japanese food. Of course, if I actually tried either one, I might like them, but that's beside the point.

In my lifetime, I've probably eaten just two or three meals using chopsticks, including one sweat-inducing business dinner. We were in a pricey New York City restaurant a client had selected, and even as we were ordering, I was planning the chips and fries I'd eat later that night since I figured I'd get maybe two bites of food into my mouth using chopsticks. I was right.

Now, I'm going to spend the week making up for lost time--not with Chinese or Japanese food, just with the chopsticks. I'll work my way up to the food in a few years. Maybe.

No finger foods, cereals, or soup. It's chopsticks or nothing.

And if my first day is any indication, I believe I've created a best-selling new fad diet. Who wants to eat when it takes 30 frustrating minutes to down a grilled cheese sandwich using chopsticks? And that wasn't even my hardest meal of the day.

I ate reheated lasagna that was closer to frozen lasagna by the time I was done. Despite a quick chopsticks lesson from Linda earlier in the day, I was Edward Scissorhands trying to guide the food in the vicinity of my mouth. By the end, my face was so close to the plate I looked like a dog lapping its meal.

Still, I don't plan to avoid the things I love to eat. I didn't have any today, but chips and ice cream are still part of my healthy diet and I'll find some way to get them on my chopsticks. Maybe I'll MacGyver it--if I attach chewing gum to my sticks will that ruin the potato chip taste?

Day 2

Most people wouldn't use chopsticks for corn, so do I go down in Emily Post infamy for using them for candy corn? In my defense, it was really easy. And I needed to eat a vegetable yesterday and candy corn was all I could come up with.

I'm improving my chopstick dexterity each time I eat. I better, or I'll look like a chopstick.

I've found that some foods I thought would be difficult are surprisingly easy. Rice tends to clump, so that wasn't a problem. Hard foods, such as candy corn and granola bars, are also simple because you can get a good grip on them.

However, sandwiches are too heavy and impossibly unmanageable. I'm sure I'm breaking new ground with that discovery. So for the second straight day, after 25 minutes my sandwich looked like New Hampshire by the time I was too exasperated to continue. You know I was struggling if I had enough time to even recognize the shape of New Hampshire.

Day 3

A friend yesterday pointed out a Wikipedia article on how to use chopsticks. Unfortunately, it didn't mention anything about how to eat the meal Linda made last night.

In our marriage, I'm allowed to forget things. That's part of my appeal, I think. (If not, then I'm not exactly sure why I'm appealing.) But Linda is not supposed to forget anything--and she's great at remembering that she didn't forget that I forgot. If I remember correctly.

So why was I facing a delicious meal of pork chops, a baked potato, and corn--armed only with chopsticks? "Oh, I completely forgot. Sorry." She'd make a great politician with that apology.

I'm a naturally slow eater, but yesterday's dinner took longer than an L.A. commute as I fumbled with the pork chop and chased the corn around my plate. And what had been a nice rectangular stick of butter looked like a craggy piece of coral by the time I finished skewering it.

While eating, I noticed that when I concentrate while using the chopsticks, my left hand curls like a question mark. So not only wasn't I eating much, I looked funny doing it. It reminded me of my brother; when he concentrates, his tongue sticks out and up so far I often thought he'd come away with a hitchhiker from his nose.

If they had camera phones when we were growing up in the 1980s, Paul and his tongue would be internet sensations!

Day 4

Two words make every kid happy, including over-aged kids like me: ice cream! And one word can ruin the fun: chopsticks!

That was my fear, at least, as I opened a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I actually felt I owed the ice cream an apology for what I was about to do. Turns out, it's pretty easy to eat ice cream with chopsticks once the ice cream melts enough for the sticks to break through.

The ice cream wasn't my toughest challenge of the day. That came at lunch when I made myself nachos with olives. (Yes, my diet is worse than a pregnant woman's cravings. One of these years I'm sure I'll start looking like Jabba the Hutt. Would that make Linda my Princess Leia?)

Anyway, initially it was hard to get the nachos separated since the melted cheese stuck together like high school sophomore girls. But once I had the chips apart, I was okay. And I've gotten adept enough with the sticks to easily pick up the individual olives.

I've definitely learned how to work the chopsticks now. And, looking back on what I've eaten this week, I've also learned I've got to find out what's the big deal about fruits and vegetables. I hear they're good for you.

Days 5 & 6

I can’t believe it took me until Friday to put the chopsticks in my mouth so I’d look like a walrus. Five days? I should have done that at my first meal. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m maturing.

I went walrus during lunch while eating a hot dog and roll with chopsticks. I looked better as a walrus than I did trying to balance the hot dog on my sticks. I was tempted to spear the dog and bun, but that's considered bad form. (But using the sticks to look like a walrus isn't?)

Next up, my son's--and my!--favorite meal of the week: pizza. I purposely order more than our family will eat Friday night so I'll have pizza left over for breakfast and lunch Saturday. Unfortunately, Daniel doesn't enjoy pizza for breakfast yet. Sometimes you fail as a parent when it comes to teaching your kids what's right.

Obviously, this was the first time I'd ever eaten pizza with chopsticks. Has anybody? It started easily enough once I had a system. I held the plate close to my face, used the chopsticks to flip up the end of the slice, and chomped away. It got harder as the pizza got smaller, and as I approached the crust, I needed to lift it with my sticks.

On the second slice, my face was so close to the plate I looked like a dog catching a frisbee. On one bite, I chewed into a chopstick. On another, I nearly bit the plate.

Of course, that didn't stop me from doing it all over again Saturday morning for breakfast. And lunch. I couldn't have pizza for dinner Saturday--that'd be unhealthy. But I did have some more candy corn.

Day 7

I wondered when I started this week if I'd lose a pound or two. My inability to use the chopsticks, added to my frustration at trying, would make me skinnier than Olive Oyl in no time.

If so, I had visions of launching my new fad meal plan, The Chopsticks Diet. "Eat all you want--using only chopsticks! Drop 5 to 10 pounds a month! Forever! You can't fail!" I had big plans for exclamation points!

Book sales would soar, The Chopsticks Diet would sweep the country, and I'd become Bill Gates-rich, or at least wealthy enough to be Ponzi scheme bait. I don't want to be ripped off, of course, it's just nice to be thought of, you know?

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way for a simple reason noticed by my daughter Caitlin Sunday. "You're getting pretty good," she said, as I deftly picked up a peanut with my sticks.

Yes, sadly I was. My Monday struggles were long gone and now I can--and did--eat almost anything effortlessly with chopsticks. As for losing weight, well, I followed The Chopsticks Diet meal plan, ate whatever I wanted--"using only chopsticks!"--and gained a pound.

Hmmm ... Wonder how that happened?