Day 1
Since I'm currently contemplating a personal paradigm shift and exploring future career-altering possibilities (a.k.a. unemployed), I decided to make myself an honorary employee of UPS. In my new position, I can't be bothered with things other UPS employees do, such as perform actual work, show up on time, handle customer service. Nah, that's for regular employees. As an honorary employee, I'm special.
All I have to do is stop making left turns when I drive.
It's true: UPS discourages its drivers from making left turns, attempting to eliminate idling at traffic lights. Since deploying route-planning technology in 2004, UPS has cut millions of miles off delivery routes, saved 10 million gallons of gas, and reduced CO2 emissions so much that it's the equivalent of taking 5,300 cars off the road each year.
In other words, all was well until I came along.
I didn't feel so efficient on my first trip of the week after I drove a four-mile loop to end up a half-mile from my house. It doesn't happen often in my life, but in this instance I over-thought the process. I quickly realized a series of short right turns is more effective than one overly planned long loop.
As a sometimes impatient driver, I like how the UPS approach keeps me moving. I'm stuck at fewer red lights trying to go left because I simply go right, right, right. I'm a regular George Will at the wheel.
One downside: since my house is on the left-hand side of a one-way street, I can't turn into my driveway all week. My neighbors across the street are going to be sick of seeing my car parked in front of their house. What can I do? It's company policy, ma'am, even for honorary employees.
Day 2
I went for a run and considered applying the UPS approach. Then I remembered my sense of direction in life is worse than Lindsay Lohan's. I could see my two-mile run turning into a marathon, and I'd still somehow be just a half-mile from home and not know where I am.
Mowing the lawn was different, however. I figured if I only made rights, I can't get lost on a .4 acre of land. I think.
That's when I discovered that subconsciously perhaps I've always wanted to be a UPS driver. I didn't have to change a thing about how I mow the run--I've always only made right turns. I may have no future in NASCAR, but UPS just may be my calling.
I'm also developing an attitude toward the competition. I look down on those gas-guzzling postal workers idling at traffic lights. And don't even get me started on those left-leaners at FedEx.
Day 3
Because I know corporate America hangs on my escapades, I sent an e-mail to UPS Public Relations telling them of my week's plan. Surely they'd be bride-on-her-wedding-day giddy, right?
When I saw an e-mail in my inbox the next day from UPS, I was a.) surprised; 2.) expecting a form-letter reply; *.) worried they'd make me cease-and-desist; #) not expecting what happened.
Elizabeth Rasberry wrote, "Thanks John! Very cool, huh? I like your blog post. I do have one question for you...did you wear brown?! :) I am in the Reputation Management team working on environment issues, so this is right up my alley!"
Rasberry is my new favorite flavor! Rasberry got right into the spirit, even detailing how she takes the UPS approach on her own personal trips. "Once you do the right-hand turns thing, you'll be constantly thinking of the most efficient way to get your errands done....I need a life, I know!"
Right there with you, Elizabeth, right there with you.
Of course, she had a point: I needed to wear brown. So I grabbed a brown collared shirt and khaki shorts and now had my uniform for any deliveries I'd make. (Here I am in uniform attached at the cheek to my first delivery). I had to drive my son to school, which sits on the left side of a narrow country road without a viable right-right-right turn option anywhere in sight.
I mentally outlined a long, roundabout route, but made a last-minute adjustment, pulling alongside the right side of another road a short distance away and walking him a short distance. The school crossing guard, who may have babysat one of Egypt's Pharoahs, asked, "Why did you stop all the way down there?"
With a glancing nod at my brown shirt--on duty, ma'am--I said, "I'm new at the job." She smiled/grimaced/prepared to dial 9-1-1, and I delivered my package to school. That's what brown can do for you.
Day 4
If I had an honorary boss overseeing my role as an honorary UPS driver for the last 24 hours, he'd be going postal on me. Or is that term just for our competition? What's the phrase for an angry UPS employee? "Look out, he's about to show what brown can do to you!"
My UPS crime: I improvised a little too much as I drove in unfamiliar territory over the last two days. I discovered that if you go past the left you'd like to take, but then quickly turn right into the parking lot of a 7-11 (once) or a grocery store (three times), then right again toward a separate exit, then right again, you're on the road you want. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and I'm certain it's a UPS no-no right up there with wearing a FedEx-colored purple shirt.
On the one occasion, I was rushing to get to back-to-school night, and the other instances I was on a 45-minute shopping trip and had no idea where I was. However, in my defense, I didn't make any left turns, or get any tickets for my driving. Nor at any time did I go postal.
I wonder if my mail carrier will go postal on me if she reads this.
Day 5
I'm at my college's reunion weekend and finally found something good about golf: You can drive anywhere! It was easy to avoid left turns because I could simply right-right-right whenever I wanted. My playing partner wasn't as happy about my discovery.
The only thing worse than my all-over-the-course driving was my all-over-the-course shot-making.
The drive to campus required only one cheat (past my desired left, two right turns through a drug store parking lot and back onto the road). And I took just one right-right-right turn that took me five minutes out of my way on unfamiliar roads. I was a little lost briefly, but not as much as I was while searching for the eight balls I lost on the golf course.
Days 6 & 7
I rode shuttle buses from the hotel to the campus for reunion events Saturday, and, though I considered it, I didn't ask the driver if he would please only make right turns. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but my rowdy, bus-riding alumni friends looked like an intimidating gauntlet back to my seat.
That left only my 60-mile drive home on Sunday as the remaining obstacle to my UPS driver's week. And thanks to a right-right-right through a Wendy's parking lot, and another through a local park, I made it home easily enough.
After close to 200 miles of driving all week, I finished with no tickets, no accidents, no lost deliveries--though a few lost minutes of driving--and, most importantly, no left turns. And I can finally give my brown shirt a desperately needed wash.
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