For most 40-somethings, giving up soda and chips for a week isn't exactly like giving up a kidney. Not so for me. As one friend said when I told her of my plans, "What are you going to eat for breakfast?"
That's a very good question. To the horror of my wife and several of our friends, I regularly indulge in nacho chips and Coke for breakfast. My 7-year-old son Daniel has even caught me doing it, which may not be great parenting but doesn't make me Alec Baldwin bad.
Here's how I look at it: you only get three meals a day, so why not eat three meals you really enjoy? I skip the Bland Flakes cereal and opt for gooey Colby Jack cheese nachos with olives and Coke. Maybe it's the olives that make my breakfast sound strange.
I'll clearly have to alter my menu selections this week--which started at 3 a.m. Monday when Daniel heard a noise, woke up, and came to sleep in our bed. Which quickly became his bed. I was up for the day, and unfortunately realized mid-morning that my much-needed caffeine soda pick-me-up was now an outrageous six days away.
I don't drink coffee, tea, espresso, Jolt, or anything else that approximates the sweet goodness of Coke. And what can I say about the wonder of chips? I eat them all hours of the day, sometimes just one or two for a quick salt fix. Great, now I've just given myself a craving for them.
Lay's, Ruffles, Herr's, Fritos, Pringles--I even like store brands. I have an appreciation for the salty uniqueness of each. If I were in a contest, blindfolded, and had to pick which chip is which, I'd win every time. (Anyone know of a contest like that I could enter?)
As for now, my first chip-and-soda-free day went smoothly except for one challenge by the town's soccer-loving, Chelsea Football Club-supporting contingent (population: 4). At a Labor Day outing, I was eating french fries, which my friend Phil believed count as chips. Others with too much time on their hands piped up in agreement.
In England, maybe, I replied, but not in America. Fries are fries, chips are chips, and never shall the two meet--except on my plate at breakfast next Monday.
Days 2 & 3
Tuesday I experienced a first in my soda-drinking history: I had to give away two perfectly good two-liter bottles of Coke. The poor guys were victims of my over-planning for our Labor Day party. Both had been refrigerated and opened so their freshness lifespan wouldn't make it til next Monday. One was still three-quarters full, the other half-full. So much promise.
But I found a good home for them, a serious Coke-drinking family; my friends even enjoy drinking the good stuff as late as 9 o'clock at night. The two little guys will be missed, and it definitely hurt me more than it hurt them.
The good news post-party: I have bags and bags of chips left over and they'll be plenty fresh when my week is up. The only problem is the over-crowding in my chip storage area (doesn't everyone have such a thing?). I already had a few half-opened bags when I started the week. I'm trying to stay away from the area--too much temptation--but the call of two new bags of salty, crunchy Tostitos Scoops is Metallica loud.
I've increased my intake of peanuts and water to attempt to satisfy my mid-day cravings, but that's like substituting salt-free Baked Lay's chips for Pringles. Who wants healthy, tasteless potato chips? I bet the same people who came up with turkey bacon and tofu burgers are behind baked chips.
Speaking of Pringles, I noticed karma is working against me this week. I happened to watch the Travel Channel's Man v. Food Wednesday--it seemed appropriate for my own challenge, and also my friends Tim and Coleen rave about it.
Host Adam Richman is on a quest to find the best iconic eateries and food challenges across America. I know this because that's the exact copy from the Travel Channel's Man v. Food website--where a Pringles-red ad touts the new Pringles Super Stack. I kid you not. Now, a travel website could feature ads covering a wide range of cities, countries, and continents. But noooo, it had to be a Pringles ad. With 100 chips. I counted each one. Very, very slowly.
Since Richman was in Chicago battling deep-dish pizza, he inspired my lunch-time selection: a small, extra-cheese pizza. And I'll have plenty leftover for breakfast Thursday morning.
Day 4
To promote a Super Bowl-related contest Thursday, Madison Avenue was renamed Doritos Drive for a day. It's been a tough week without caffeine and chips, so I'm not sure if I dreamed that or if USA Today is just messing with me.
I'm tired of drinking only water, so I added some alternatives. I understand why Coke gets a bad rap for all of the sugar it contains, but the Wawa Lemonade and V8 V-Fusion I drank Thursday weren't any better. Though without touching kiwi or spinach, I managed two full servings of fruits and vegetables with the V8 juice --and that's a typical week's worth for me.
Eight ounces of Coke contains 27 grams of sugar (I checked the label of one of the two bottles waiting patiently for me to crack open Monday). V-Fusion Acai Mixed Berry Juice contains 26 grams and Wawa's Lemonade contains 31 grams. See, I tell myself because clearly I'm having lack-of-caffeine-induced hallucinations, drinking Coke is good for me. Oh, you're right, John. Thank you, John.
Next up: It'll rain salty chips on Fritos Friday. At least that's what USA Today's weather forecast predicts in my happy hallucinogenic state.
Day 5
When something's forbidden, you want it even more. Adam and Eve lost paradise for a lousy fruit--what would they have given up for Pringles and Coke?
I'm considering my own rationalizations as I stand in the Wawa snack aisle Friday. I'm craving and caving as I ogle rows and rows of Ruffles and Fritos. "How you doin'?" I ask them with a raised eyebrow. The lady at the end of the aisle looks up and steps away.
Then I see the Cheetos bag. Cheetos ain't cheating, I think. I grab a bag to make sure it doesn't say "chips" anywhere, and find only the words, "Cheese flavored snacks."
I eat a good portion of the bag on the ride home and for another ten minutes after I get there. Ahhh, the delicious taste of Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, and Riboflavin.
Day 6
I have Sinatra's "My Way" in my head at the moment: "And now/the end is near..." I'm determined to finish my first flawless week--I definitely had a few slip-ups in past weeks--but those around me aren't making it easy.
My wife Linda inadvertently became my own personal Eve mid-day Saturday when I went to put the lawn mower in our car's trunk. I opened the trunk and discovered a goldmine, much like Vincent Vega when he opens Marcellus Wallace's briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
There sat a secret stash of five bags of chips--three potato chips, two tortilla chips--and four two-liter bottles of Coke. What are you doing to me, I asked her. "I couldn't pass them up--they were on sale. I was trying to hide them from you."
Considering she'd gone shopping the day before, her "hiding place" lasted less than eight waking hours. She needs treasure-hiding lessons from leprechauns.
One big day left: the opening Sunday of the Eagles' season at a friend's house. There'll be more chips surrounding me than a Vegas poker dealer. The end is so, so near...
Day 7
Kids are mean. Especially when they take after their parents.
My 7-year-old son Daniel enjoyed taunting me with potato chips Sunday while we watched the Eagles game at a friend's house. "Here, Dad, have a chip," he said, pushing the chip to my tightly closed but quivering lips. That kid is so grounded once he knows what grounded means.
However, despite my son's abuse, as well as bowls and bowls of chips--and French onion dip!!!--I passed my final test with flying colors. I went the whole week soda- and chip-free, and even found some soda alternatives somewhat enjoyable.
The Wawa lemonade and V8 V-Fusion approximated the sugary goodness of Coke. I also drank enough water during the week that I feared a camel hump would form on my back.
In honor of my first 100% successful week, I celebrated with a Monday 9:15 a.m. breakfast of nothing but the best: nacho chips and cheese, olives, and Coke. It's good to be back to (my version of) normal.
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