Be a business consultant

Nothing like a drive around our great country to remind me why I’d never make it as a small-business owner. Others just seem to know exactly what will work. 

For example, in rural Purvis, Mississippi, I drove past a small mom-and-pop store with an eye-catching sign out front: Grammy and Pappy’s Knife Store.

See, I never would have thought to combine cuddly-sounding grandparents with deadly weaponry. I’m so clueless.

The owners of rental accommodations in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, also paired the unlikely: Mansion Condominiums. Not exactly truth in advertising, but at least one of those two words was honest. 

Such creative thinkers are on to something, and I can’t refuse a challenge. So I’ve decided to be a small-business consultant. Just for a day. That’s probably all it will take for me to master things, judging by the competition.

Now if I were a small-business owner, there are several fields I could enter and dominate in the spirit of knife-selling Grammies, particularly if I wanted to use my last name in the title.

Roach Exterminators, anyone? There is also the obvious: Roach Motel, or maybe The Roach Diner. Sure-fire successes all!

Even better would be Roach Survival Guide Safaris: “Roaches will out-last everything—and so can you!” Or maybe, Roach Tech Support: “We get rid of the bugs in your computer.”

How can I help others? Let me count the ways.

Xavier Kahn wants to open a law firm? X. Kahn Legal Services.

Emily Burns wants to make quick-and-easy takeout food? Burns Meals Fast!

And I’m smart enough to know “Wild” Bill’s Psychiatry just won’t fly.

Some people just don’t know how foolish they sound.