Hang Around With An Imaginary Friend

A birthday-week celebration 2 years ago with a "friend."

Day 1

I couldn't figure out what challenge I should use to celebrate my birthday week until my daughter Caitlin and I came up with having an imaginary friend visit me.

My son Daniel came up with his name: Bob. (I must be doing something right if my kids know I'd enjoy interacting with an imaginary friend all week.)

I actually wanted to name my friend Anthony; that initially was going to be my older brother's name. But when my pregnant Mom told Mary Ellen, her grade-school age sister, what she was considering, Mary Ellen quickly ended the name's viability for all future Roaches.

"Ewww, you can't call him Ant Roach."

So yesterday morning, I drove to the train station to pick up Bob O'Marley, a long-time friend from Montserrat, known as the "Emerald Isle of the Caribbean," and a future vacation destination.

That is, once I convince Linda to visit a breathtakingly gorgeous island with one small glitch: it's home to an active volcano that erupted in 1997 and destroyed more than half the island.

Other than that.... But hey, Montserrat and Ireland are the only two places in the world where St. Patrick's Day is a public holiday, so it's got that going for it. Which is nice.

I picked up Bob at 11--he was the only person at the station, so I was a little late, but he said he didn't mind. I took him home and introduced him to Linda, who treated us to a birthday lunch.

At first, Linda was a little uncomfortable as I talked to Bob loudly in the restaurant, but she warmed up once she got to know him.

When the waitress came over, Linda told her she'd probably have a burger, "because we're having chicken tonight," then pointing to Bob, added, "and Bob definitely likes chicken."

I don't know what the waitress thought, but Bob and I were impressed.

In fact, Linda and Bob apparently hit it off very well. At one point, she said she was laughing at a joke Bob told her, but she wouldn't tell me what he said. Bob said it wasn't really that funny, that Linda was just being nice.

I think we'll all have a great week. Bob thinks so, too.

Day 2

When you think like a 9-year-old as I do, the day after your birthday is worse than the day after Christmas.

At least on Dec. 26, people are still enjoying the holidays, you have presents to play with, and you're off from school. But the day after my birthday is like indoor recess with Al Gore.

Good thing Bob was around to cheer me up. Daniel, Bob, and I played kickball--Bob fields as well as Linda--and it was nice to have an impartial umpire for controversial calls.

Daniel calls me out on plays if his throw is within 30 feet of me. So we turned to Bob when in doubt.

"Bob doesn't think you got the call right, Daniel," I said. "He thinks I was safe."

At first, Daniel went along, but he quickly sized up how to game the game. "Bob can be on my team, Dad." And soon enough, Daniel was telling me what Bob thought.

I expected Bob to give me a 2-to-1 advantage in any contested discussions this week. But I can see Linda first, and now Daniel, are trying to co-opt him. Can't they see Bob wouldn't turn on me?

It seems everyone wants a piece of Bob. The Phelans came over with a birthday card for me and they asked how Bob was.

In particular, their 4-year-old daughter was curious because she has her own imaginary friends, Paco and Kaneequa. After they moved to their new house, Paco and Kaneequa had a child named Lila.

Bouncing like she was on hot coals--or had to go to the bathroom--their daughter was so excited that I had an imaginary friend, too.

She pulled her mom Coleen down to her level and whispered something to her. "Not today, honey, maybe some other time," Coleen told her.

"She wants to know if she can have a playdate with Mr. Roach," Coleen conveyed. "And Bob."

Day 3

I don't usually go grocery shopping. But I've got to get Bob out of the house--he thinks I'm boring.

He's probably right; I can be more of a homebody than J.D. Salinger. Bob's itching to meet people, and I have to admit, I haven't been introducing him enough.

At Barnes & Noble the other day, a staffer came up to us and asked if we needed help. I said, "No. Do you, Bob?" The staffer moved on before I could formally introduce him to Bob.

So I figured I'd take Bob food shopping. Here's a tip: If you're looking to avoid the crowds, shop at 11 on a Thursday morning. It's hard for Bob to meet people when aisle after aisle is as deserted as a Foghat concert.

I was glad to see Bob's tastes haven't changed after all these years. We still like the same food, so shopping was a breeze.

Linda was on her way to work as we pulled up the street after our trip. "We did well," I said with a smile, as I rolled down the window.

"What did you get?" she asked, returning my smile and knowing she never should have let me near a store with more chips than a casino.

"It wasn't just me--it was Bob, too," I explained. "We only spent $24, but we got a lotttttttt of stuff."

"But is it a lot that we need, or is it $24 worth of junk food?"

(One aside: That's another reason I don't go grocery shopping. Linda pretty much nailed what we bought.)

"Bob will eat them, too," I said.

Linda got into her car, saying, "I think Bob needs to start paying rent."

Days 4 & 5

Hi. Bob here. I'm writing John's entry today.

He's off looking up Larry Bowa's batting average on his baseball card or listening to his Donny and Marie album, or some such ridiculous thing. I figured I'd better step up.

It's pretty much been that way all week; if there's a job to be accomplished around the house, I'm the man. I love the guy, but John could spend all day perfecting his Wiffle curveball.

I found his toolbox in the basement and wrote my name in the dust covering it.

At least he's not lazy now. When I'd go to his house when we were kids in the pre-remote control days, he'd make me change the channel all the time, even pretending to like That Girl so he wouldn't have to get up from the couch. (Note from John: who was pretending?)

His friends seem nice enough--clearly they're a tolerant bunch. We had dinner at Tim and Coleen's and I got to play with their daughter's imaginary friends, Paco, Kaneequa, and Lila.

Coleen told John she wondered if Paco and I would get along, but he was a nice guy. As Colleen said, "Paco and Kaneequa have matured a lot since they had Lila."

Earlier in the day, John was working, so Daniel decided he wanted to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with me. John looked at Daniel like he was crazy--has John looked in a mirror lately?--but Daniel and I had fun.

Except he won every time. John said he was happy Daniel hadn't lost to me--then he'd have been really worried.

Yeah, imagine if a kid lost a game to his dad's imaginary friend. Who's the crazy one in that scenario?

Day 6

Bob loves to talk about the popularity of his name, and he's got a point. The name Bob is everywhere.

Bob is a haircut, a Microsoft computer program, an FM radio format, the airport code for Bora Bora, and a video game.

And, Bob reminds me, there's Bob the Builder, Bob the Tomato, SpongeBob Squarepants, and Bill Murray in "What About Bob?"

As Bob points out, John is just a toilet.

Bob was telling me all of this because my mother-in-law was coming over for a night and I was a little apprehensive about introducing her to Bob.

It's tough enough interacting with an in-law; try introducing her to your imaginary friend.

But Bob was convinced that he'd be a hit because, to his point, everyone loves Bob. Bob doesn't lack for confidence.

Turns out, he was right. My mother-in-law was pleased to meet him, and had some charming conversations with him. Then again, Joan likes me, so clearly she can get along with anyone.

Later in the day, Phil and Gray came over, and Phil asked Daniel if he liked Bob. "Yeah, he's okay," said Daniel before bounding out of the room. Phil looked at me and just shook his head.

I guess I should worry about that. Really, I just hope Daniel doesn't miss Bob too much when he has to leave tomorrow.

Day 7

I just dropped Bob off at the train station; I'm gonna miss that guy. I don't think I'm alone there. Bob made a lot of friends this week and brought out the kindness in so many.

Whether it was Gray checking to make sure she wasn't sitting on Bob's lap during a visit, or my mother-in-law smiling at Bob and shaking his hand, people looked out for Bob.

Daniel would occasionally playfully punch Bob, but Bob got him back Sunday night.

Daniel and I were in a best-of-9 strawweight vs. super-heavyweight wrestling match. Tied 4 pins to 4, I broke out the surprise and tagged in Bob to double-team Daniel.

The poor kid was laughing so hard he couldn't break free, until Bob let him go, and Daniel rallied to pin me. Bob's such a softie.

I gave Bob a big hug at the station--a couple in a car nearby looked at us kind of funny for some reason--and left him to wait for his train.

If you're ever in Montserrat on vacation, look him up, and he'll show you a good time. Just ask for Bob.