"Meet the Pets"

Sunday morning interview shows, such as long-running “Meet the Press,” are staples of American television. I’ve been to a Staples. So obviously we have a lot in common.

That’s why I sat down with my own interview panel, which I’ll call “Meet the Pets,” a semi-regular occurrence now that I’ve jump-started the blog again. My experts will serve as a checks-and-balance counterpoint to keep me in line.

My crew is similar to the Sunday morning show “experts,” in that they take up physical space on Earth and  . . . well, that’ll have to be enough. Today’s panel on “Meet the Pets”: Curious George, Franklin the turtle, and Puppy, Daniel’s almost decade-long stuffed animal friend, though Daniel has forsaken him for a while now.

That may explain Puppy’s bitterness these days.

Puppy: “You’re really pushing yourself to the limits these days, huh? Four posts in two weeks—slow down, there, big fella.”

Franklin: “And he said he’d do a fifth story about being a judge, but I believe we’re still waiting on that one, aren’t we?”

Me: “Okay, well you are. I got tied up, and, I mean, give me a break, I’m just getting started.”

Curious George: “Yeah, give him a chance. I mean, his wife just bought a bunch of bananas—how bad can he be?”

Puppy: “If he thinks he can be a judge, then so can I. I’m the Russian judge: I give you a 2.7 out of 10 so far.”

Me: “Now, hold on guys, this isn’t supposed to be an attack on me. You’re supposed to ask legitimate questions, you know, keep me focused in a constructive way.”

Puppy: “Okay, let’s see. You ate potato chips in one “demanding” story, made fun of sweet people named Grammy and Pappy in another, and let your Facebook friends be the funny ones and do all the work in a third.”

Curious George: “Now I’ll stick up for John on that one. By the way—you gonna share those bananas any time soon, JR? Anyway, you guys don’t get it; ya gotta let other people be the stars. The Man in the Yellow Hat makes me. He’s a grown man who lives with a monkey. That gives me free rein to do anything when you work with someone so clueless. Not saying you’re 100 percent clueless, John, just, well, you know.”

Me: “No, I don’t know. You think I’m clueless?”

Franklin: “If I may interject: You also did a story on 1980s dance moves this week, John. Isn’t that the decade that made you realize you should never dance in public again? Should I break out the VHS tape of you doing “The Curley Shuffle” on stage in high school to remind you?

Puppy: “It still kills me when he got the pie in the face at the end of that one. And those moves? Was your hip broken or something then?

Me: “I think we’re getting a little off track here.”

Curious George: “I know. B-a-n-a-n-a-s, John. Come on!”

Me: “Now I know why Daniel has moved on from you guys. Time to put you back in storage in the garage.”

Puppy: “Noooo. Wait, wait, wait. You’re definitely doing wonderful work. I mean, guessing all of the potato chips in the challenge—that’s something a grown man should be proud of. You’re something else, alright!”

Franklin: “Agreed! Bravo! Can’t wait to read more.”

Me: “Hey, get over here, George!”

Curious George: “If I’m going to storage, the bananas are coming with me!”